


if you're going to break yourself

by tinuvhiel



Category: Chainsaw Man (Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/M, Katana Man Arc Spoilers, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:55:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29714058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinuvhiel/pseuds/tinuvhiel
Summary: When Aki had joined the bureau, Himeno had taken a glance at him and casted him as a madman.Oh, how wrong she was.
Relationships: Hayakawa Aki/Himeno
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from [If You're Going to Break Yourself](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mjy09DpjwMg) by the Unknown Mortal Orchestra.
> 
> Honestly though I think FKA Twigs has the perfect soundtrack for Aki & Himeno.

There is something in the way Aki sits. He finds the angles on the couch, the window on trains and cars like a cat looking for his favourite armrest. Eyes downcast or looking out, arms crossed. It’s a pose of relaxation but not really. He looks out, looks further. Pale eyes alert and yet never fully there. Eyelashes fluttering like a pinned butterfly every time his gaze is close to shattering. There is intensity there and a softness that threatens to come out, at the border of his eyes, like teardrops always ready to fall. Never dry.

When Aki is standing that softness is rarely there. When Aki is standing it’s to fight, to hunt, to kill. Churns of skin torn out of his flesh day by day, pieces of him scattering around the city. One eye closes to complete the ritual, the other remains open.

Himeno is grateful for every bite she has to tend to. Aki sits the softest in her bed after a mission, pieces missing and yet with years still intact. It’s a joke between them, a sick would you rather. _Hey, Aki, a foot or five years?_ Continuous torture or shorter suffering. Himeno is a selfish woman. She wants him alive and soft in her bed. Eyes threatening to spill after every long day. She does not know how to hold him so they share cigarettes instead. They put themselves together in the pause between inhale and exhale. _It’s the smoke_ , Aki says, tears prickling at his eyes, _I am not used to it_. He has been smoking for five years now but Himeno stays quiet. Mocks him and brings beers to the table. She likes seeing Aki’s long neck swallowing the liquid. His eyes close when he drinks and it’s not to conjure any demon but just to seal the taste of a new day. They drink until they cannot think and Himeno laughs too hard and becomes too unhinged. Curls around Aki with her head swimming and pets the missing flesh on his thigh, his pained sounds made softer by the alcohol. Aki runs his fingers through her hair, plays with the ties keeping her eyepatch in place. It used to bother her but now it doesn’t, not really.

How can you be insecure about what you are missing with a man who loses a piece of himself everyday.

-

Aki is soft in a way that Himeno tries very hard to ignore. Tries to cast away because she told him, _Aki, don’t die_ , and he said, _I have no intention to_. She is like a supplicant at an empty altar.

When Aki had joined the bureau Himeno had took a glance at him and casted him as a madman. He did not drink, he did not smoke, he did not laugh and he did not try to have fun. Looked at Makima like a god and stayed away from everyone. Told a new guy he saw no point in remembering his name when he was going to be dead tomorrow. Believed he was going to survive everyone around him only to fulfil his purpose. He was right, for the most part. People dropped like flies and after every mission Aki was still standing asking for dinner. _You will last a long time, Aki._ Madness always helps in their fields and what kind of psychopath focuses on almond tofu after seeing a body destroyed. Himeno does not care. Bodies have stopped affecting her a long time ago and Aki is good company, if a bit stiff.

Oh, how wrong she was.

\- 

By the time she realises she got it all wrong, it’s too late. By the time he realises that Aki is _normal_ , that Aki is _soft_ , she is in too deep. Her and Aki have inner jokes, a favourite restaurant, a favourite dish. They smoke the same cigarettes, because Aki has finally relented and stopped complaining about bone diseases. _That’s not how you are going to die_ , Himeno had argued. The fox had taken one of his lungs, that week, and so Aki had finally accepted the cigarette. _At least this one won’t taste as good_ , he had said. Lips curling around the cigarette, feral. As if to say: I am capable of destroying myself, too.

-

She realises she got it all wrong when she goes to the cemetery and all the bureau-related tombs have fresh flowers on them. A splash of colour in the anonymity of a too-quick death, probably brought by a civilian to express their thanks. The flowers are cheap, bought at the supermarket rather than at a florist.

She spots it on the floor as she is leaving. So consumed she is sure even the filter is gone. Crushed on the ground with such strength it had been easy to almost miss it. And yet. The cigarette brand winks at her, mocking. She steps on it, trying to hide the proof. To ignore that the signs had all been there and yet she had been careless. Cruelly, it feels like someone has stepped on her heart instead. The flowers laugh at her, growing taller in the graveyard. Opening their petals to make their grief more evident. How could she have missed such a strong smell of pain.

-

She goes to see Aki after a few beers. She has been at his place for a grand total of maybe two times in the almost year they have known each other now. It’s an unspoken rule that when you spend the majority of your time with someone trying to not get killed, you do not want to think about them outside of work. It is just not polite to care for people that much, in their line of work.

When Aki responds to her loud banging and opens the door he looks as if the fox has taken him and swallowed him whole. Digested him, made him rest in the poison of her stomach, then chewed him out and lapped at him until there was nothing left but the traces of her venomous saliva. Poor little thing. The fox takes and takes and yet every time Aki is saved from the sword. Years added to his life like a sentence. His eyes glazed over and red, hair uncharacteristically down. He smells like alcohol but Himeno can still feel the remaining odour of flowers and cigarettes. The cloud of grief hanging over him.

She stumbles forward. _You lied_ , she wants to say, and instead all that comes out is: _I was out of cigarettes_.

He nods, lets her in. They end up on his balcony. Himeno does not want to approach the subject. Does not know how. She looks over at him and feels her heart stumbling when she sees him crying. Ugly tears and snot and yet so silent. A prey masquerading as a predator. _Here_ , she says, and hands over her cigarette. He takes it with shaking hands. A pretence for hand-holding, the smoke between them like a veil she does not want, cannot bear to lift. Inhale, exhale. Smoking is good to catch your breath. Aki latches onto it like a kid with their mother’s breast. Inhale, exhale.

-

So, he is soft. Normal. Human. Cares too much, feels too deep. Cries at night and lets his eyes go soft and his topknot loose. Himeno continues to share cigarette breaks and tofu dishes. Just like there is little sense in crying over dead bodies, there is little sense in crying over those who remain.

Over those who have planted himself into Himeno’s heart like the most cruel of demons.


	2. Chapter 2

There is something in the way Aki looks lying down. Chest expanding with each breath, cigarette in mouth. Inhale, exhale. It’s not a pose of relaxation but it’s a pose of standstill. Like time is dictated by the cigarette getting shorter between his fingers, their fingers. They share a smoke on the rooftop of the bureau and Aki’s sword lays unused by the side. Not forgotten never forgotten but in standstill. His eyes are closed and the rise of his chest is the most comforting of movements.

Himeno observes his sharp profile, the black stud of the earring she has convinced him to get while drunk. _Did it hurt_ , she almost asked when they pierced his ear. Stupid question. Aki smiles looking at himself in the mirror and Himeno smiles at him smiling. _It looks good_ , she says, _You are going to get all the girls_.

 _I am always with you, Himeno_. The stud in his ear catches the light.

Himeno likes looking at Aki lying down because there is softness in the way he lets go. Not primed to stand up but not careless either. Just a man letting his limbs rest. His fingers hold the cigarettes and his chest moves up and down. The earring twinkles in the midday sun. A testament to his own self-mutilation.

-

Aki lays down like a man on pause and yet Himeno cannot slow down enough to appreciate this frame of time out. Death is on break but it feels like someone will press play and fast forward too soon. So she takes and takes and curses herself as she lets it happen, as she takes Aki laying down on her bed, the sheets framing him but not strong enough to tie him down. Aki is incapable of loving her deep like she wants it, consumed by grief and care and his eternal desire to help and protect. Yet Aki into her feels as deep as it can go as she rides him with a hand on his chest. Touching, feeling. The fox can eat but not his heart. She feels it beating strong through his chest with each circling of her hips on his cock, a rhythm of life punctuated by her shuddering over him. They are both drunk but his panting is too delicious for her to let go. Inhale, exhale. Her body curved over his, holding his hand with no cigarette in between them. Sharing breath and not smoke.

He crumbles beautifully under her with tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. Too soft for Himeno to grab onto and yet she tries anyway. _It’s okay_ , she says. _Let go_. He holds her hand painfully and breathes into her neck. Inhale, exhale. _Himeno_ , he says. _I don’t want to die_. His words are mumbles she tries to swallow. _Shh, shh_.

 _Let go_.

He comes with a shudder, eyes opening wide and tears spilling out. She follows because she is trained to do so and always will. She holds him tight as he shakes because for one night it’s allowed and they are drunk and Aki looks beautiful and needs to be put back together. The sword hidden and unshedded and pushed at the back of her mind in another room. It’s nice to fall asleep to a wetness that is not just tears and blood.

-

It happens again, of course it does. It never lasts more than a night and Aki shutters and the next morning the softness in his eyes is yet again carefully hidden away like the worst kept of secrets. Makima caresses Aki’s shoulder in passing at a meeting and he trembles under the double-edged glove of her authority. No one knows what Makima has given away for her power so everyone is willing to give her anything, just to close some gap they cannot see. Aki more than anyone else. Aki gives and bleeds and no matter how much he suffers there is always more. A bottomless pit from which Makima drinks insatiable. Himeno has chosen very carefully what she can offer but Aki is a powerful demon.

The hole in her eye-socket throbs reassuringly in its stitches. Contained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's be honest they slept together at least once.


	3. Chapter 3

There is something in the way Aki looks at Makima and that is not a look Himeno wants to acknowledge. Obedient. The tie around his neck more of a binding collar than standard uniform. He does not scramble for her attention but her gaze rests heavy on him and his head drops in submission under the soft weight of her command. Himeno follows. Makima drapes over Aki’s shoulders as he is sitting as his desk and Himeno wants to get up and sweep all his papers to the floor, _look at me look at me look at me_ , yet when it’s Makima’s gaze she catches she can do nothing but observe as her hand performs the idea of a caress on Aki’s neck. Makima never lets her jealousy turn into anger: Himeno’s leash is a chain of desire and desperation, the need to be more like Makima, to follow Makima, to make so that Makima notices her because if she does Aki will too, in a way that is different to what it is now and more important and real, in a way that will let her tie herself to Aki and hide Aki in her bed and never let him go.

So she follows Makima. There are moments when she feels herself snapping out of a dream. _Why don’t we leave the bureau, Aki. You will die like this, Aki_. He talks of revenge yet the way he throws himself in front of others in battle speaks of protection and care.

Every commander needs a suicide bomber.

-

She meets Kishibe for drinks because getting drunk with Aki and their divisions had not been nearly satisfying enough when Makima’s gaze does not even soften with alcohol. As always they end up drinking way too much but Himeno cannot bring herself to care and their next mission is low-risk anyways.

 _So how is top-knot_ , he asks. _Makima wants me to babysit his children_. She laughs yet she wants to cry but her tear ducts are blocked, _We will die soon, Kishibe, Kishibe, he still cries, Kishibe, I need to die first_.

The scar on his mouth pulls as he attempts a smile that is a grimace. _You need to offer him a way out. He will not stop until he gets what he wants_.

Aki, Himeno thinks, does not know himself. He has told her so many times. _Himeno, I think I am strong but I am not. Himeno, I know I am not able to do this but I need to_. Like a man possessed. Aki does not know himself but Himeno knows what Aki thinks he is.

 _What he think he needs_ , she says to Kishibe stubbing her cigarette out in the ashtray, _is to get revenge._ What she does not say is _, he will never get it._

Kishibe shrugs. _Then give it to him. Makima is not the only one who can grant wishes._

Himeno thinks of Aki spitting gum on a stranger’s clothes, of his half-smile when he had beaten Madoka at pool after Madoka had made fun of his aim, of the last shot he had ordered to prove he could out-drink Himeno before promptly falling asleep at the bar counter, mouth open. Of every cigarette he smokes that feels like a dare against a death that is coming too soon. Easy acts, out of spite. Easy revenge.

 _Okay_ , Himeno says, _okay. I will give it to him_.

Kishibe downs the last of his drink. _Do it before dying_ , he says, _or Makima will be the one giving him his prize_.

Easy revenge. Himeno can do this. She can give Aki this. She takes her own revenge that night as she stumbles drunk into Aki’s apartment. He goes down on her and she holds his gaze the entire time, pulling on his loose hair and forcing his head up when he averts his eyes. Makima is not in the room but her gaze feels all-knowing, all-seeing. Himeno wants Aki’s eyes on her and wants to be the one giving him what he wants. What he needs.

He falls asleep by her side looking so young, barely twenty, Himeno had almost felt guilty when they started sleeping together, yet at least when they are together he cannot pull the trigger to let himself explode in fear that he will hurt her.

She writes her resolve on a cigarette and puts it in her pack upside down. For good luck.

Maybe Aki will smoke it and inhale her desire, her affection, her protection. Kick someone in the balls and be happy with it.

The dark of Aki’s room is swimming around her as she feels herself being pulled to sleep. Her missing eye is throbbing but her heart is aching more.

She turns around to face Aki and puts her forehead against his wishing for her thoughts to just implant themselves into his head. She wants to control him and let him be free at the same time.

 _Easy revenge_ , she thinks, fervently, as sleep pulls her down. Maybe if she thinks it hard enough Aki will listen, and she will only look at her, and escape Makima’s hand, and like only her, and maybe fall in love, and protect people with his life, and not with his death. 

Aki’s breath lulls her to sleep. _Easy revenge_. Maybe they will share that cigarette together. For good luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER WARNING FOR GUN DEVIL ARC: 
> 
> we all agree that Aki’s crush on Makima comes from her power as control devil right? to me it becomes evident just before he and Angel meet her at the beach and Angel asks him why he likes Makima and Aki does not know how to answer. I did not want to discuss it in detail in the chapter because obviously Himeno does not know about Makima (Kishibe suspects) and I did not want to include too many spoilers, but hopefully it came through anyways. I also think Aki’s obsessions with the gun devil is partially due to Makima too. I find it very interesting that after he gets the future devil’s power he is able to admit to himself that he does not have a clear view on who he is. He has been under Makima’s influence for so long, my heart breaks. Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> This is not how I usually write at all, but Aki and Himeno give me such feelings I needed to let them out however jumbled they still are! I know Himeno is a bit OOC and should be more energetic and fun, but this manga only brings me pain.I love Chainsaw Man so much and Aki and Himeno are such a painful ship! Big fan of Aki and Angel too, but nothing beats the years of knowing each other, longing, and familiarity Aki and Himeno have going for them. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, and let me know if you spot any errors since this is pretty much unedited!
> 
> Find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tinuvhiel).


End file.
